Feb. 20th 2009 was unexplainable (Amanda again)

My mom hasn't posted anything about her chemo yet and even if/when she does it will be from a completely different perspective...

My mom and I have joked around a lot about the cancer and everything because well you need to laugh sometimes, but this wasn't a joke. We were sitting there and they had hooked up everything and were getting ready to put the chemo on the tube thingy and my mom looked at me and said, "this is way more real isn't it?" We both started to cry. It's true. I thought the surgery made it real, but the chemo made it more real than I ever could have imagined. This wasn't a joke. But after that moment we calmed down and sat there for 3 hours. My boyfriend (that's weird to say) Robb came with me from Purdue to support me and my mom and he sat with us also, which is really a big thing because if any of you met my ex you would know that he would NEVER do that. Anyway, we sat there and afterwards we went out to dinner and things were fine until that night when we got home.

Robin came over and we were all just hanging out having a good time and then my mom started to get really sick. Okay so there is no chemo 101 at college to help deal with this so I had no idea what to do. That night was possibly the worst night I have ever experienced. She was in so much pain from the chemo and there was nothing that I could do. Do you know what it feels like to be completely helpless? I lost it. I couldn't take it. I went out in the living room and looked at robin and said, "I don't know what to do" and I just broke down. Robin understood because my mom has been more of a mom than her own mom so it was just as hard on her. I just hugged her and cried...it's all I could do. I was in so much pain for my mom and pain for myself. I still am. It just isn't fair at all! I love my mom and she doesn't deserve this, well no one really does, but with our streak of crap we really don't need this. This is just so hard to deal with. I'm pushing through. I'm working and going to school and trying to live a "normal" life, but it is really hard to do not going to lie.

I do wanna say that on that night had Robin and Robb not been there is would have been way worse. I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart. I have never had such good friends. I am so lucky to have them that's for sure. I wouldn't trade them for the world...

Right now is definitely a trying time in my life. I never thought I would have to deal with something of this magnitude. I thought I would just be worried about what party I was going to next or how am I going to make a B in this class. Not how's my mom feeling today? Has anyone come to visit her? Is she okay? And I know people tell me not to worry, but I can't help it...she is all I have...

This is the end of this post. Again please just pray for my mom. She needs all the prayers she can get. Thank you, all of you who have been there for her!

Saturday Feb. 7th - IPFW "Pink Out"

I had a very long - but wonderful day today. My day started with my friend MJ (Mary Jane) picking me up and taking me to the IPFW (a local college)"Pink Out" girl's basketball game. The game is a celebration of breast cancer survivors and to raise funds for breast cancer awareness.

We met my friend Sandra at the game. There was a reception before the game for all breast cancer survivors. Even though I'm still "in the process" of surviving - I'm a survivor thus far :0) It was an honor to be amongst so many courageous women -some had been through cancer more than once - I can't imagine. They also recognized all breast cancer survivors at halftime of the basketball game. I participated but it all felt very surreal to me. It's still hard for me to believe I have breast cancer. I'm glad I went to the event. The other women were very inspiring to me.

I didn't want to go home -since I hadn't been out of the house for so long - so we went shopping after the game. It was so nice to feel halfway "normal" for a day. After we went shopping I went home and took a nap. I had been invited to go out that evening -but knew I wouldn't make it without a nap.

That night I went to a concert with my friends Sandra, Karen, Troy, Mike and Brian. The concert was called "Down the Line". Several local bands performed cover songs of various classic artists- ie: Jimmy Hendrix, Bob Marley, The Band, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye - to name some of them. The purpose of the concert was to raise money for the Embassy Theatre and to support local musicians. I had a fabulous time! I danced - and for those of you who know me - I love to dance!! My friend Ty Causey and his band covered Marvin Gaye. That made things even more special for me. Ty and his girlfriend Lori both have a special place in my heart. It was great to see them and put my arms around them. Actually, I had the opportunity to see a lot of friends I haven't seen for a while. Once again, God is good!!

This is Amanda...Feb 9th, 2009

Alright...so I'm definitely not going to sound all formal and what not like my mom and aunt cuz umm I talk funny? But I think it's time for me to blog to let everyone know the low down on how I'm feeling about the whole situation with my mom...

IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For real it really does. I don't wanna deal with it...especially at 21. I really don't think you're ever ready to deal with a parent having cancer, but I wasn't ready to deal with it right now. It all came as a complete shock. I thought things would finally get better in my mom and I's lives, but bam this came outta nowhere right before my 21st b-day. On my birthday I took care of my mom. I'm not complaining about it cuz i wanted to be there for my mom, but I'm just saying think about when you were 21 what were you doing? I'm guessing probably not thinking about your parent having cancer or taking care of them after surgery. It also hasn't really set in yet. I mean when her surgery happened it sort of did. That was such a hard day for me. I wanted to be there and hold her hand. The hardest part was letting them take her back into surgery and just not knowing what they were going to find. But I'm really happy that they didn't find any more and that things went better.

The hardest thing right now for me to do is focus on anything really. I have realized the only thing that really helps me out is to draw. I drew for 6 hours yesterday. And honestly writting all this is helping too. I just want my mom to be ok. I feel like I'm trapped in my own head. And I know there are people who want to help me and relate and what not, but it's hard for me...no offense, but I want someone my age to talk to, but I know this is heavy stuff that no one my age wants to talk about and most can't relate. It's also hard for me to reach out. I'm really a private person which is completly opposite from my mom. Which is fine, she really needs people right now. But she also needs family and I'm the closest so it's hard for me to be here at Purdue when I want to be there for her. And people say to me that I need to take care of me, but I have always taken care of my mom. I'm the only child she has...

Anyone who knows me or has met my mom and I know that I love her so much. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I have been through a lot. And I'm continuing to deal with the cancer with my mom. There is one person who is there for me and is my sister and that's Robin. She is my best friend and has always been there for me. She is right there dealing with this with me cuz she loves my mom too. Just right now and for the past couple months I have felt like I have been in a dream that I just can't wake up from. It's not really a dream, but more of a nightmare. Everything happens for a reason though. Just gotta get through this hurdle and just keep livin. Like MJ said to me...this too shall pass.

Well I guess that's all for today. Thanks to all of you that have been there for my mom. She really needs it and really enjoys all of your company. Honestly the best thing I could ever ask for is for everyone to be there for my mom and to visit her or call or send a card. Or even just pray...

It's a New Week!! Mon.- Fri. - Feb. 2nd - Feb. 6th

Okay, okay, I'll update my blog :0). I've had several emails about wanting updates. I thought I might bore people - but I guess there are those "special people" who check every day. So - I will try to do better to get things updated.

I had a an appointment with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Morrison, on Monday , Feb. 2nd. I'm so blessed to have him for my plastic surgeon. As I've said before, not only is he talented but he's quite kind. He was very pleased with my progress. There's one spot on my right breast that hasn't developed the way he anticipated - but that can be taken care of with the final reconstruction after chemotherapy. He'll do liposuction from another part of my body - hopefully my "derriere"- and fill in the area of my breast - lol. My friend Denise took took me to my appointment and then we went out to lunch. That was my excitement for the day.

On Tuesday, Feb. 3rd I had an appointment with my oncologist. My friend Denise also took me to that appointment. I'm blessed to have her as my friend. The doctor went over the test results of my genetic testing. The results came back negative. That is very good news for my daughter and my sisters. I felt relieved to know I didn't carry the genetic mutation that would be passed on to my family.

Even though that was good news, it was hard to listen to the Dr. tell me again how they don't know what caused my cancer. The fact I have triple negative breast cancer means, as I've said before, they have to treat my cancer very aggressively - as if it is in my lymph nodes. There are no guarantees this course of treatment will be successful - but I'm believing for COMPLETE SUCCESS - GOD IS GOOD!! I will start chemotherapy on Feb. 20th - eight weeks of treatment every other week and then 12 weeks of treatment every week - a total of 20 weeks and 16 treatments. Oh well - that's not a big hill for a climber :0) " The strongest trees in the forest withstand the strongest winds". God is good! I think I'll look pretty sexy bald :0)

I'm tired - so I'll finish blogging the rest of the week tomorrow. As always, thank you for loving me! I cannot begin to express my love for you.

Good night and God bless.

Wednesday, Feb. 4th - A quiet day. My friend Trish came over to visit for the afternoon. I slept during most of her visit. I think I'm able to relax more when I have someone in the house with me. Thanks Trish for being there for me - your presence gave me comfort!

Thursday Feb. 5th - Another quiet day. Aside from the usual post surgery pain I've been feeling pretty good. My friend Art came over for a visit - which brightened my day.

Friday Feb. 6th - Today was a good day. My friend Karen came over and brought lunch for us from Casa's - one of my favorite places to eat. My friend Mary also joined us for lunch. It was a great visit. Friday night my friends Dave and Denise stopped by to visit. We ordered pizza, drank a few beers, and had another great visit. Once again, I'm blessed!!

Home Day 6 and 7 - God is Good!!!

Hello,

Saturday, January 31st - a bittersweet day because I knew it was my last full day with my sister. She's anticipated my every need and has been great company. I'm so grateful she's been here this last week and has helped to get me to this point in my recovery.

My sister and I had a great day together. She gave me a pedicure - it was wonderful. We had time to visit and plan for the next week.

My friends Dave and Denise -along with Denise's daughters - Haylee and Kendra -stopped by to visit. It was great to see them. They've been my friends through a lot over the last couple of years.

My nephew Gage and brother-in-law Brian arrived in town around 3:30. What a pleasure it was to see them. We went to dinner at Cebolla's with my friend Art Bruce and his son Ashton Saturday evening (we missed Art's son Andrew). It was so nice to feel "human" enough to go out to dinner. It was painful to sit but worth it! It was a great evening. My friend Art brought a toy Bobcat bulldozer for my nephew - that was a big hit! I felt blessed to be able to be out of the house and spending time with those I love.

Sunday, February 1st - My sister went back to Illinois today. As I said before, I'm really going to miss her. It is through her help, the prayers of all who love me, and a very gracious God that I'm doing so well today.

I started my day by my nephew waking me up and wanting to play with his bulldozer - or skid loader - as he calls it. How much fun is that? I absolutely love being an aunt.

It was also hard to say goodbye to my nephew and brother-in-law. They both bring me great joy. My brother-in-law always says the simplest things that make me laugh or smile. My nephew Gage was quite fascinated by my stomach incision. I tried to explain, as well as you can to a 4 year old. I love that precious little boy.

My sister and her family left around 10:30 am. That is about the time my friend Sandra picked me up and took me to church. I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to be there. I love Pathway Community Church. I know that is definitely my home. I'm so blessed that God lead me to such a spirit filled congregation. That was one of the greatest highlights of my day. The music stayed with me all day. After church Sandra and I went to lunch. By the time we got home I have to admit I was exhausted. I may have overdid it - just a little.

I slept most of the afternoon. Around 5:00 my friend Christine and her daughter Alise came over and brought dinner for me. They brought homemade lasagna - it was delicious! We talked and watched the Superbowl game. They went home at halftime - it was past Christine's bedtime - lol. We had a great time. They are great friends. Once again, I'm blessed!!

It's been kind of a struggle tonight. I miss my sister and have some fear of being alone. I absolutely know I'm going to be ok - but sometimes it's a little difficult for me until I realize where I always get my strength - and that is from God.

I have a lot on my mind and some decisions to make about my personal relationships. Cancer has a way of helping you take a closer look at what is important in life. I've talked to my daughter and a friend. I'll pray and go to sleep with confidence knowing God will give me the strength to face tomorrow and make decisions based on what is best for me and those I love.

As I said at the beginning, God is good!!! I'll add more pictures to the blog tomorrow.

Peace :0)