Alright...so I'm definitely not going to sound all formal and what not like my mom and aunt cuz umm I talk funny? But I think it's time for me to blog to let everyone know the low down on how I'm feeling about the whole situation with my mom...
IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For real it really does. I don't wanna deal with it...especially at 21. I really don't think you're ever ready to deal with a parent having cancer, but I wasn't ready to deal with it right now. It all came as a complete shock. I thought things would finally get better in my mom and I's lives, but bam this came outta nowhere right before my 21st b-day. On my birthday I took care of my mom. I'm not complaining about it cuz i wanted to be there for my mom, but I'm just saying think about when you were 21 what were you doing? I'm guessing probably not thinking about your parent having cancer or taking care of them after surgery. It also hasn't really set in yet. I mean when her surgery happened it sort of did. That was such a hard day for me. I wanted to be there and hold her hand. The hardest part was letting them take her back into surgery and just not knowing what they were going to find. But I'm really happy that they didn't find any more and that things went better.
The hardest thing right now for me to do is focus on anything really. I have realized the only thing that really helps me out is to draw. I drew for 6 hours yesterday. And honestly writting all this is helping too. I just want my mom to be ok. I feel like I'm trapped in my own head. And I know there are people who want to help me and relate and what not, but it's hard for me...no offense, but I want someone my age to talk to, but I know this is heavy stuff that no one my age wants to talk about and most can't relate. It's also hard for me to reach out. I'm really a private person which is completly opposite from my mom. Which is fine, she really needs people right now. But she also needs family and I'm the closest so it's hard for me to be here at Purdue when I want to be there for her. And people say to me that I need to take care of me, but I have always taken care of my mom. I'm the only child she has...
Anyone who knows me or has met my mom and I know that I love her so much. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I have been through a lot. And I'm continuing to deal with the cancer with my mom. There is one person who is there for me and is my sister and that's Robin. She is my best friend and has always been there for me. She is right there dealing with this with me cuz she loves my mom too. Just right now and for the past couple months I have felt like I have been in a dream that I just can't wake up from. It's not really a dream, but more of a nightmare. Everything happens for a reason though. Just gotta get through this hurdle and just keep livin. Like MJ said to me...this too shall pass.
Well I guess that's all for today. Thanks to all of you that have been there for my mom. She really needs it and really enjoys all of your company. Honestly the best thing I could ever ask for is for everyone to be there for my mom and to visit her or call or send a card. Or even just pray...
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