One of the Many Faces of Cancer

Hi Everyone

First, I hope the picture doesn't disturb you - or - if it does - I hope you recognize the reality of this disease. Second, I need to apologize, once again, for not keeping up with my blog. Believe me I've heard it from a lot of people. One person told me they were going to get my password and make things up so I would be "shamed" into an update. So - here it is. This is for you Mary and

Sue :0).

I've been asked by several people to show the difficult side of cancer. I have great faith but some days my faith is truly tested. As you can see by the picture, I wasn't feeling well that day. That was the day after my head was shaved due to my hair really falling out.

The day my hair fell out was the first day I was really angry about having cancer. I woke up that morning and my pillow was covered with hair. I would rub my head and my hand would be covered with hair. I took a shower and the shower floor was covered with hair

I cried most of the day. I cleaned my whole apartment in anger. I really thought I was prepared for my hair loss. Several weeks before this my daughter shaved my head. I don't know what I was thinking but I thought I wouldn't even notice when all of my hair really fell out. To say I was angry is really an understatement.

My head was on fire. I couldn't wait to shave what little was left on my head. Thanks to Theresa for stepping up to the plate and offering to shave my head. I still don't like being bald - but I'm learning to accept it. Humor seems to get me through most of the time.

Cancer is lonely - especially when you live alone. I haven't been good at letting people in but I need you. I have a lot more to add - but not tonight. I need some rest. God bless you and know that you're loved :0)

It's Been Too Looooong.......... and now my hair is gone!!

I haven't done a very good job keeping up with my blog the last few weeks. I'm doing this for those of you who check my blog every day :0). Thank you for caring enough to check my progress. I won't go day by day - because the dates really don't matter and my memory is faltering :0). It's been an interesting journey the last few weeks.

I started chemo on Friday, Feb. 20th. Amanda and I fell apart when they first "hooked me up" -because it was all very "real" - but it wasn't long before we were making jokes. My daughter and her boyfriend sat with me through the entire four hour procedure. They administered three different drugs during my treatment. Everything went very well. We went out to dinner after chemo- I felt "strange" but pretty good considering all of the poison that was pumped in my system.

Approximately 2 hours after we returned home everything changed. My body turned on me. It was like a combination of a horrible flu and a terrible hangover -it's hard to describe. My daughter, her boyfriend, Amanda's friend Robin, Becki, and Sandra were all there to take care of me throughout the evening. It was very difficult for me to let anyone see me that way -especially my child. I tried to make jokes but it just wasn't funny. This was the real deal - that night made me realize what everyone meant by their "battle"with cancer. It's definitely a battle but one I know I can win - especially with all of the people who've shown me their love and concern.

On Monday, Feb. 23rd I had to go back to the oncologist for a shot to help elevate my white blood cell count. That shot made my bones ache - but I knew it would eventually help me feel better. I met with the plastic surgeon that day. He released me to go back to work and said everything looked really good. I won't see him again until I finish chemo and have the last of my reconstruction surgery. Once again I can't say enough about both of my surgeons - Dr. Grabowski (my regular surgeon) and Dr. Morrison (my plastic surgeon). God blessed me with the best!!

I went back to work at The Fort on Wed., Feb. 25th. I still didn't feel 100% physically - but being among my coworkers helped me immensely mentally. It was nice just be in the building and among some of the funniest people I've ever known. They bring me joy!

As you can see from the pictures above, my head is now shaved. Amanda came from college on Wednesday night to shave my head. I had a couple of bald spots and didn't relish the idea of "slowly" losing my hair. So, she drove 2 hours -we went to dinner, she shaved my head, and then she drove back that night because she had an early lab in the morning. I didn't have to ask - she wanted to be the one to shave my head. At first it was emotional for me - but we tried to have fun with it. What do you think of the Mary Johawk? I promised Amanda I would do that for her. :0)

I decided to try to have a little fun this weekend since I was feeling pretty good. I met my dear friends for happy hour at Columbia Street - Sandra, Karen, Mike, Greg. Then I went to the Komets game with MJ. I ran into some other friends at the game and had an enjoyable night.

My dad and stepmom came to town from St. Louis on Saturday (see pictures above). My dad, stepmom, my friend Art, and I went to Bourbon Street Hideaway for dinner. We had a wonderful time- great atmosphere, great company and great food. After that we went to Snickerz Comedy Club and laughed. Laughing is great for the soul! I was with some of the people I love the most so my heart was full!!

I cooked a big breakfast this morning for my parents, Art, and his son Andrew (we missed you Ashton). That is when I'm really in my element. I love to cook and especially a big breakfast on the weekend. I'm so glad I was feeling good enough to do that before my dad and stepmom had to go back to St. Louis. It was wonderful for the soul to visit, cook, and eat.

I have a lot on my mind right now and can't sleep. It's the start of a new week and I'll have chemo again this Friday - every other week for the first 8 weeks and then every week for 12 weeks. This will be my second treatment. It'll be one more out of the way - but I do have some anxiety about it. I'm better prepared -but I don't like the "out of control" feeling that comes with having treatment.

I also have a friend that's going through a difficult time and want to do everything I can to help. It helps to keep my mind off me. Everything is in God's hands - but sometimes it's hard not to meddle - lol.

Well - time to try to get some sleep. As always, thank you for your love and know you're loved in return by me. God is soooo good - cancer - or any temporary obstacle - doesn't have a chance in the light of His goodness!!

oooxxx mj